And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
