There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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