Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
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