Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
