I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
