You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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