Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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