I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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