she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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