3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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