You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
