Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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