By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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