he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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