sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
