get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
