There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
