I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
