I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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