wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
