it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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