Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
