your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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