Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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