I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
