Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
