I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The struggles of a small town man whore
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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