eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
