i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
