he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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