Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
