i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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