i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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