I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
are you so shy because you have an std?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he fucked my hip out of place.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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