yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
