Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
