sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
