I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
