I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you traded sex for a burrito?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
