We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
