I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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