I accidentally had phone sex last night
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
