I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
