we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
