So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
