U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
