I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
