I puked a lego.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
