it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
