That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
