I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
