We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
