Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
