The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
