I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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