Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
