at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
