He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
