And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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