No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
